A Week of Rest and Repose

I am slowly but surely chipping away at receiving a bona fide college education. Well, usually I am - just not this week. That's right, it's vacation time baby! I have one week off before the summer semester starts and since I'm not working that means every day is a golden gift of free time. I have a few important things to tend to like securing a shiny new job and cleaning up my apartment for a soon approaching visit from my Grandma but other than that I am goofing off one hundred percent of the time.

One of my favorite activities of late has been sitting out on my balcony and catching up on some recreational reading. I don’t have quite enough time (or the funds) to travel but every book I pick up takes me to new and wonderful places. True, a lot of people are murdered in these places but I always manage to survive until the end. (Agatha Christie, John Grisham, Dan Brown, Clive Cussler and Mary Higgins Clark have been my most recent travel agents.)

I just finished On the Street Where You Live and while I enjoyed it immensely, I made the mistake of reading it late into the night while I was home alone. The basic premise is a woman who is being stalked and the discovery of a serial killer in the neighbored she just moved to. Ordinarily that's just the kind of over-the-top suspense that I enjoy but on a night when I can't deadbolt the door it's a little creepy. Sometimes I do not make good decisions. Oh well.

If everything continues in this delightful albeit somewhat lazy pattern, I will have a great vacation. Even as I type this I’m sitting on my roommate's incredibly comfortable papasan chair on the balcony enjoying the weather. It’s probably going to rain soon but I’m safe here under the overhang. I've been watching the neighborhood kids play and they’ve just learned how to shoot small sticks out of water guns. The fact that it’s dangerous only makes it more awesome. A lot of cute dogs and their nondescript owners were out walking but they’ve all gone inside now that wind is blowing stronger and clouds have made the sky gray. Being in the fresh air is nice and later in the week I plan on being more active since sunshine is predicted. For now I'm content and that's a nice feeling.

The Pointer Sisters would be proud

My heart was filled with joy and laughter when Adult Swim added Saved By the Bell reruns to their April schedule. Now that time has come and gone and it has left me nostalgic for the kids of Bayside High and the days in which I looked to them as role models. Those were simpler times. Sure the show was campy and preachy but I didn't know any kid who didn't want to be at least one of the characters and date another. My sister is still in love with Mark Gosselaar. How could she not be?

One of the best parts of the reruns was the commercials that aired to promote them. Of course the network zeroed in on everyone's favorite episode "Jessie's Song" in which Jessie takes caffeine pills and freaks out. (I'm proud to say that I can recite more than a few lines of that episode as well as the dialogue from Zack and Kelly's breakup. What can I say, I love that show.) Watching that scene in slow-motion was both hilarious and awesome.

I’m pretty sure Jessie started some kind of trend because these days cold medicine is kept behind the counter. At Wal-Mart you have to take a card to the pharmacist and then show ID if you want a decongestant. Soon we won't be able to get Sudafed without bringing in snotty Kleenexes as proof that we won't be taking it just for the buzz. When I first watched the show I didn't know anyone who "did drugs" and I assumed I never would. Now that I've been through college I've seen everything from recreational users to serious addicts. The world is a different place than I thought it would be. One thing remains the same though. Screech is a loveable dork. You can’t argue with that.

Long time, no sea.

I know that's a terrible pun. This is just my way apologizing for an unconscionably long absence. You can't be mad at Garfield right? Right.

A lot has changed for me since my last post, most notably my job. As in I don't have one right now. Hopefully that won't be the case for long and I'll be able rejoin the ranks of the gainfully employed with my head held high. Maybe I’ll get into some of the other changes later on. For now, let’s get on with the blogging.

I received this postcard from a dentist's office that was reminding me to make my next appointment. What it really reminded me of is how annoying I find puns. I know what you're thinking, "Wow, her first post in months and she's alienating the entire pun-loving population." I know it's risky but that's how much I don't like puns. Are they clever? Sure, sometimes. Do kids everywhere love them? The ones I know do. And yet puns irk me. They get under my skin in a creepy-crawly way. Maybe I was tormented by some punster at an early age. Maybe my genetic code is inherently intolerant of puns. Either way I’d rather have satire and sarcasm. Now that’s comedy you can sink your teeth into.

While I’m probably not in the majority I know I’m not alone. Think about every time you’ve heard a pun used in your social circle. A few people laugh, a few people groan, and everyone else waits in awkward silence for the moment to pass. Those are my people. Why can’t we even muster up a courtesy laugh? The truth is that we’re restraining ourselves. We’re just barely containing an outburst denouncing the use of puns in everyday life. But we choke down that urge in an effort to be polite. After all, it's our problem not yours.

So the next time you fashion a clever pun please be kind. Make it short and sweet and just say it once. We're already on the edge. Don't push us over.

Warm Fuzzies

Are you too old for teddy bears but not quite ready to sleep alone? Do you wish deadly diseases could be more cuddly and approachable? The answer to all your troubles can be found in these stuffed animals from Giantmicrobes Inc. I've seen these little guys at a children's museum and at a doctor's offices and now they're available to take home. Who wouldn't want a fuzzy embodiment of bad breath or an ulcer? They make great conversation pieces.

Among the more extreme microbes offered are syphilis, black death, ebola, gonorrhea, and flesh eating virus with a little knife and fork embroidered on the front. How cute!

Remember, there's no better way to say, "Hey man, you should get tested."

It was as high as an elephant’s eye.

Sorry for the absence but I've been quite ill. Other than a visit to the doctor I've just been resting and recuperating and taking a whole lot of pills. The most exciting thing in my week was VH1's special about Paris Hilton's most shocking moments. Yeah, that's hot.

Last weekend I went with Asmir to Cagle's Dairy for my annual Halloween trip to a corn maze. There's nothing like running around a maze in the dark to make you feel both young and old at the same time. I felt like a kid when we were taking wrong turns and trying to remember if we'd been through that patch of corn before. I felt like a grandma when I told some junior high girls that they were going to get in trouble for running and calling one of the workers fat. Sure enough they got kicked out a short while later. I tried to warn them but they wouldn't listen to their elders. Darn whippersnappers.

If you have a corn maze in your area, give it a try. They often have other activities like hay rides, bonfires, pumpkin patches and games. If you live in Georgia check out Uncle Shuck's corn maze in Dawsonville. On a few nights near Halloween the maze becomes haunted and you have to dodge ghosts and ghouls to escape the maze in tack. The spooky atmosphere makes it even more fun.

Well, if you haven't noticed by now I'll come out and say it. I love holidays. I'm a celebration-holic. I don't want help; I just want to convert others. Join me.

Holiday Extravaganza

My office goes all out for the holidays. That works out well since I love to decorate and celebrate for any occasion. We share a building with a large cooperation and unfailing our neighbors trail down, peeking their heads in and asking if they can walk around and take a look. This Halloween desks were decorated, candy was in place and we dressed up. Anyone who has children is invited to bring them in to trick-or-treat and enjoy the festivities. Usually we have quite a few. This year we had one. One three year old spider man for all that candy. He was incredibly cute and made my day when he spent about 10 minutes trying to convince one of my co-workers to take off her pants. "It's ok you can just do. Do it, come on. Just take them off." His father must be so proud.

To make up for the small turn out we're going to start early on the Christmas decorating. Last year every desk was wrapped like a present and this year were going for a Winter Wonderland theme with lights and ornament. It's going to be crazy. I love it! I'm mentally going over the decorations I have at home and what I can steal from my parentss garage. No matter how far I go with the decorations here's one t-shirt I won't be wearing. How gross is that?

Magnet for Madness

It appears that I and my car are magnets for all things wacky on the road. In addition to the usual terrible traffic and crazy drivers in Atlanta, lately I have been subject to a variety of road debris. I manage to avoid most of it. The mattresses, the trash bags, the blown tires and hubcaps are all easy to see and navigate around. Over the past few weeks however I've been bested by more than my fair share of road wreckage.

First there was a rise in the frequency of random pieces of junk passing under my car without incident. Then a few weeks ago there was a sheet of particle board on a freeway - I ran over it. Today it was some sort of fender in the fast lane on GA 400. Do to circumstances beyond my control I bumped it. Don't look down on me; the guy behind me bumped it too. The one that really drove me crazy was a plastic bucket. It was way over in the furthest right hand lane and everyone was driving around it. One truck didn't see it and nicked it sending it spiraling directly in front of my car. There was nothing I could do. It smacked right into the grill of my car. I flipped on my emergency lights and pulled over. The bucket was wedged right under my bumper! Luckily a tow truck stopped to see if I needed assistance and the man managed to pry the bucket out for me. My car appears to be fine although I'll have to check more thoroughly after today's incident.

I'm really not a bad driver. I'm not a professional and I do need glasses to read signs that are far away but I think I would do ok if it weren't for all the trash on the road. The sad thing is that sometimes I'll see the same mattress/trash bag/hubcap on the freeway in the same spot for two or three days before it gets cleaned up. Who loses a mattress and doesn't call someone to get it off the road? [Obviously Atlantans.]

Did I mention that I've also been cut off by three different eighteen wheelers? I know that's off topic but it's terrifying. Maybe I'll start taking the bus. Or Limos. Yeah, a limo sounds good. Is anyone out there willing to donate to the Cali Girl Limo fund? It would really help me out. If it I hit one more thing I may really freak out.

Sweet Dreams

As the days get colder I find myself hunkering down under the blankets more and more. I wrap myself in a throw blanket while I watch TV and I climb under the covers to read or talk on the phone. It's delightful but a little tricky. You see, when I'm that cozy I often get sleepy. I've been know to drift away on the couch during movies and there have been plenty of times when I have had to put my book down because my eyes were just too heavy to keep open. That was never a problem for me as I love a good nap.

It's my new behavior that is a little troublesome. I've been drifting off in the middle of conversations. While on the phone and lying under the covers I closed my eyes and soon heard myself say, "No Mork, don't go in the water." I was speaking to the turtle I had begun to dream about. He was diving into a lake and after watching Invasion I wanted to warn him of what was out there. Oops. On the next occasion I was cuddling under the blankets with the Bosnian Boyfriend and we were talking about our days when I muttered, apropos of nothing, "I don't think you should get lasik." Of course neither of us had any idea what I was talking about. Oops again. Both occasions were late at night when I was already lacking sleep but that's no excuse for rude behavior. I've got to get a handle on this. I think I need to cast off my blankets and save them for bedtime. And movie time. Or when I have a good book. What? They're baby steps.